


Almost is not as good as all

by deliberatemistake



Series: Sungjong And Stars [2]
Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: M/M, Myungjong, infinite, sungjong - Freeform, yonghwa - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 16:50:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7722352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deliberatemistake/pseuds/deliberatemistake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sungjong X Yonghwa X Myungsoo - Myungsoo is a variable Sungjong never included in the equation and Yonghwa is oblivious.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Almost is not as good as all

“Take care not to slip on the snow, won’t you?” Myungsoo warns from behind. His voice is soft, like porcelain, read to shatter any moment now.

He knows very well Sungjong is careful, not clumsy like him. He knows he won’t slip and he has proper shoes with good grip on. But he says it anyway.

And this is what Sungjong hates. He detests when Myungsoo tells him to be careful, to take care of himself, to eat properly, or to rest regularly; he even hates it when Myungsoo wishes him goodnight or asks him how he is. It’s all too much for him, because he knows that what the elder really saying is ‘I love you’.

He has never said the exact words out aloud, but Sungjong knows it for sure. The empotions are so tangible that he can feel it on his skin, like blisters. It irritates him beyond anything but he can’t confront Myungsoo because the man hasn’t said anything to his face.

Their friendship has not really suffered because of this, but it’s a constant nagging at the back of his mind that doesn’t make things any easier for him. He’s almost used to it now, but it always registers in his mind when Myungsoo is sending out silent signals. He doesn’t react, but he understands, he feels, and he keeps a count in his head for no reason at all.

“I will,” he murmurs without turning around. It’s cold but his insides feel colder.

 

Punching in his pin code, he waits for the definite click, and pushes the door to his apartment open. Kicking off his shoes, he doesn’t bother to arrange them on the shoe rack along with the others. As he makes his way through the hallway, he can smell food, budae jiggae to be exact, his favorite. It’s always comforting to come home to nice smelling food, knowing he wouldn’t have to make his own dinner after a tiring day.

“Sungjong, is that you?” Yonghwa’s voice is louder than usual and filled with concern, which means he’s late. He hasn’t had the time to glance at the clock and time always flies when he’s with Myungsoo.

Poking his head into the kitchen, he says, “Yeah, who else can it be? No one else has the pin, remember? Unless you told anyone.” It came out harsher than he meant it to be.  
“Okay, wow. I was expecting an apology but all I get is attitude.”

“Apology?”

“I called you and texted you several times – no replies. I was worried,” Yonghwa whines, wiping his hands with the kitchen towel. The corners of his mouth are turned down and for some reason, he finds it amusing.

Sighing, he looks for his phone in his pocket. Sure enough there are several missed calls from his boyfriend and 12 texts - 11 of them are from Yonghwa. The last is from Myungsoo. He opens the text.

Hope you’ve reached your place safely. Good night, sweet dreams.

Of course all Sungjong sees is ‘I love you’. It's so obvious, even in these lifeless letters on the screen on his phone. Sighing again, he types in a quick reply – Goodnight.  
Making his way towards his bedroom, he slowly unbuttons his jacket, feeling his heart thump loudly. Sometimes he wonders what would happen if Myungsoo says what he actually wants to rather than these meaningful nothings. How would he take it? It’ll probably be even stranger than it is now, but at least it’ll be over then.This game they keep playing, where Myungsoo pretends they are just friends and Sungjong feigns ignorance, is exhausting, at least for Sungjong.

“Why are you so late?” Yonghwa shouts from the kitchen. He’s not going to let this go anytime soon – he can be so fussy sometimes. It’s not like he’s trying to keep tabs on Sungjong; he just hates thinking that he had a better time without him.

“I was seeing Myungsoo. We were at a club, I couldn’t hear the phone ring over the music.”

He bites his tongue over the slip – he said seeing Myungsoo, instead of meeting Myungsoo. Yonghwa wouldn’t mind, he would take it for what it is – a slip of the tongue, but he feels weird inside. It’s almost like that’s what he was doing, not just merely meeting a friend.

“How’s Myungsoo? Found himself a girlfriend yet?” Yonghwa’s questions keep coming.

For some reason, Yonghwa thinks Myungsoo is straight. He never said anything to the contrary, now that Sungjong thinks about it. He never admitted or denied he’s straight. But in his heart, Sungjong knows for sure because Myungsoo’s feelings for him are romantic. Of the fifteen years he has known the man, he has shown no interest for anyone of any gender, to the point where all their other friends now think that there's something very wrong with him. Sungyeol is certain that Myungsoo's porn addiction is to blame. But that’s just something Sungyeol made up to cover his own tracks.

“No, he’s busy. His new exhibition is going to open in February.”

“Oh wow, he’s doing well. I read this amazing review about his work on the internet.” He hears Yonghwa talking about the review and then something mildly interesting that happened at his office while he changes into his pajamas. They are his favorite, a gift from Myungsoo. That guy knows how to pick the most comfortable, cuddly objects.  
“I said we should all get together one day, it’s not fair you two have all the fun,” Yonghwa’s voice is louder than before and Sungjong realizes that he kind of dozed off and missed the string of conversation.

“Yeah, I’ll tell him,” he replies absentmindedly. The last text from Myungsoo comes back to his mind and he notices a tense feeling settle down in his stomach. These little distractions that the thoughts of his bestfriend bring annoy him to ends.

When he sits down at the table, steam rising from the dishes and the cutlery all laid down, no thanks to him, he smiles at Yonghwa, trying to send him a silent apology.

 

Sungjong got off early from work today. Knowing Yonghwa wouldn't be home anytime soon, he decides to loiter around a shopping mall. He actually needs to find a present for his boyfriend with Valentine's Day approaching fast.

Yonghwa is very elaborate about Valentine's Day and like every year, he almost certainly has planned a surprise for Sungjong. In the beginning, Sungjong tried to keep up with him, tried to match his plans and surprises, but after a while he gave up. It was toiling, both physically and emotionally; so now he just sits back and lets Yonghwa do the work. His boyfriend wants to anyway, and he wants nothing more than Sungjong to enjoy himself and praise him. He's more than happy to recognise his efforts and applaud him for it. It’s just how their relationship works – Sungjong is always the receipient.

But the least he can do is get him a present, although Yonghwa keeps insisting that he's the only present he ever needs. The problem is that he's not good at this, picking out the most perfect, memorable, or exciting gift, so it takes him ages to buy something; of course he almost never gets to trump his boyfriend’s present for him.

As much as he likes eye shopping, shopping alone is boring, especially when he doesn't know what he's getting. So at one point he starts texting Myungsoo, asking him what he’s doing, where he is and such while walking aimlessly through the mall. Since Myungsoo is self-employed, he doesn't exactly have a schedule so he’s always reliable when it comes to replying to texts, calls or meet-ups.

As he ambles through the mall, wondering whether to call his bestfriend up, while his eyes are glued to the screen of his phone, he feels a tap on his shoulder. When he turns around, Myungsoo’s smiling at him sheepishly.

His jaw actually falls open.

“What are you doing here?” 

“You said you were bored by yourself,” Myungsoo falls in step beside him.

“I didn't tell you to come.”

“No, you didn’t, but the image of a lonely Sungjong, walking sadly with drooped shoulders, depressed me.” He pulls out his camera, one of those high-tech professional ones that he carries around all the time and shows him a snapshot of himself from the side - head rolled forward, shoulders drooped, fingers busy typing into his phone.

If you hung around with Myungsoo, he will have taken pictures of you. He literally takes his camera everywhere and whenever he feels like it, he starts clicking away. He’s quite good at taking sniper pictures without the subject knowing. Of course, his sniper technique is limited to taking pictures of people he knows, his friends and such. Sungjong, being the person who hangs out with him the most, has been the victim too often; he is so used to it now that he doesn't even flinch anymore.

Shaking his head exasperatedly at his bestfriend, he clicks his tongue, but his mood lifts considerably. They get coffee with lots of sugar and cream and Myungsoo manages to capture a shot of Sungjong with cream all over his mouth.

“What are you doing on Valentine's day?”

They are in a store and Sungjong’s going through the racks to check if anything catches his eyes. He likes shopping especially if Myungsoo is with him. He’s not much of a help but his presence makes the mood. As long as he remembers, he’s been doing Myungsoo’s shopping for him. On the other hand, Yonghwa is really fashionable and shopping with him means that Sungjong doesn't have much to do, except nod and agree.

“I don't know, Yonghwa has something planned I guess. Why?”

“I was wondering if you could spare me some time? My exhibition opens on the 15th and I'll have everything set up by the 14th. I want you to have a look because I'm nervous. A second eye, someone who doesn't work with me, will be good.”

Sungjong bites his lips. His boyfriend is really particular about Valentine's Day, so it’s difficult to say if he’ll agree to it.

“Please? Just half an hour will do,” Myungsoo pleads. He never really asks for anything so Sungjong feels bad about turning him down the one time he requested something.

“Fine, I'll tell Yonghwa.”

“Thank you.” Myungsoo breaks into a sweet smile and it convinces Sungjong that he's done the right thing. It’s not that bad, it’s not like he’s cheating on his boyfriend or anything – he’s simply helping out a friend. Besides, before they started going out, Sungjong spent every Valentine’s Day with Myungsoo anyway, going on dates which were not really dates but what else could they be...

 

Valentine’s Day starts early with Yonghwa serving him breakfast in bed. Then he whisks him off to a sunny little picnic spot where they spend the day, have a wonderful lunch, complete with Yonghwa singing him songs on his guitar.

Sungjong actually enjoys the day – sometimes Yonghwa’s antics can seem a bit over the top, his actions bordering embarrassing, but today’s plans suit him perfectly. He likes spending time outdoors, the sensation of cool breeze whipping through his hair. Luckily, it’s sunny and not bitingly cold; his boyfriend claims he checked with the weather department several times.

Yonghwa’s cooking is a real blessing and the brunch he’s put together is heavenly. They haven’t had such a relaxing time in a while, and Sungjong realises that he’s missed it. Now he knows why Yonghwa complains that they don’t spend enough time together despite the two of them living in the same flat. It’s just not the same, living together and actually being together.

It didn’t use to be like this a few years ago. Sungjong lets his mind reel backward, wondering where it went wrong. He recalls meeting Yonghwa the first time in his physics class back in college. He took him for the kingka type but he was mistaken. Yonghwa claims he knew he was in love the moment he laid eyes on him but it wasn’t the same for Sungjong. At first, he tried to avoid him, simply because from the outside he looked like he would be stuck-up. It took him one whole year to stop cold shouldering Yonghwa, finally letting him approach him and woo him.

Once he actually got to know him, there was no doubt that Yonghwa was a wonderful person. He felt attracted to him more and more, but he wasn’t sure it was love. More than being adored, more than being almost worshipped, Sungjong was drawn to the fact of how constant, how stable Yonghwa was. He pictured the world in various levels of impermanence, where everything was constantly changing, moving, transforming, like a clay dough being moulded into various different shapes. But Yonghwa … Yonghwa was something different, something removed from the rest of the world. He was like a pillar – he gave Sungjong the impression that he’d never change, no matter what happened. And that drew him in, strapped him in place, and sent his heart racing like an engine.

Even today, he wonders exactly what about Yonghwa’s easy-going, good-natured, and jovial personality attracts him the most; there was a point in time when he could get drunk on his touches, craving more and more of him. That was probably the moment when he decided that Yonghwa’s the one. But there was this one thing – he never knew if he was in love with Yonghwa. It was too difficult to tell and at that time, he didn’t want to wait to figure it out. I’ll know soon, he convinced himself. He was certain that it was just a minor hitch and it wouldn’t affect them in anyway. He was young then, and the idea that a relationship could ever be a mistake never occurred to him.

So after thirteen months of wooing on Yonghwa’s part, they were officially a couple. The first person he told was Myungsoo.

Myungsoo was the quiet kid in his neighbourhood, the one who never played with the others and avoided eye contact. He caught Sungjong’s seven-year old eyes on the very first day. On Myungsoo’s twelfth birthday, he presented him with a toy camera for his birthday - they’d been friends ever since.

But with Myungsoo, it was different. He had almost not felt his presence, he was more like his shadow. He’d seen him grow up, and it was strange; it was like he had to get reacquainted with his best friend every time he sprouted another pimple or his voice cracked. It didn’t bother him that much, but he always had the fear that he couldn’t hold on to him because he would break under stress. Despite their physiques, Sungjong has constantly seen Myungsoo as the glass bead, easily shattered, to be handled gently.

There is no saying how much he had damaged Myungsoo when he confided in him about Yonghwa. Soon after, he had been hospitalised with jaundice and as much as he likes to tell himself that he had nothing to do with it, a part of him knows it was his responsibility. Myungsoo was – is – his responsibility, one he is maybe tired of. Probably that’s why Yonghwa is such a relief because around him, Sungjong doesn’t need to tread carefully.

But, is it love? He has questioned his feelings for Yonghwa for a long time, deciding if love is what he felt for him. Love, love, love – what is love anyway? He’d do anything for his boyfriend – is that love? Or is how he continually worries about Myungsoo love? Are they the same kinds of love?

“Sungjong?” Yonghwa’s voice breaks his trance. It feels weird to be in the present when his mind has been surfing the past for the last few minutes.

“Hmm?”

“I love you.” Yonghwa grabs him by the chin and pushes his lips forward, closing over Sungjong’s mouth. He kisses him slowly, for a long, long time. He likes how tender and gentle Yonghwa is, how his hands hold Sungjong’s face in place. For a moment, Sungjong thinks this, this right here, what they have between them, is love.

Or maybe, he’s so tired of figuring out if he’s in love with Yonghwa or not, he just wants the guessing game to end – he wants it to be love between them because that just makes things less complicated. It makes Myungsoo a stranger. It makes their world different from Myungsoo’s. It makes him feel less ambivalent when he sees Myungsoo.

He wishes just because Myungsoo didn’t say it, it meant he didn’t love him.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I swear.” Yonghwa’s honeyed tone is warm in his ears. He shivers not because he’s cold but because he’s scared of himself. His boyfriend envelopes him in a warm hug and he wonders if he can escape in it, forever.

 

Finally, when they are in the car on their way back to the apartment, Sungjong mentions that he needs to go and see Myungsoo. As expected, Yonghwa pouts and whines, saying that he shouldn’t spend Valentine ’s Day with someone else. But in the end, Sungjong manages to convince him by promising him that it won’t take more than half an hour. So Yonghwa drops him off at the exhibition hall, reminding him one last time that he must be home in an hour.

Sungjong enters the exhibition hall through the back door - Myungsoo said that he'd keep it unlocked for him. True to his promise, the door is indeed unlocked and creaks open when he pushes it inward.

Myungsoo’s standing there, in the small back room, dressed casually.

“You came!” He looks relieved as he smiles at him, his dimple showing.

“Of course I did, I promised remember?” Sungjong looks around casually, just in case there is anything special going on. But there are no rose bouquets or any other signs that his best friend is finally going to propose. To be honest, a part of him did expect something like that, since it's Valentine's Day after all. Maybe he’s worked up the courage to say it loud this year…? Maybe not…

There is no doubt about his honest feeling towards him though - he can hear it, thinly veiled under everything he says, I love you. I love you Sungjong, we’re bestfriends but I love you.

Because Myungsoo is not just his bestfriend, he’s also his maybe, his what-if, his almost.

And for that particular reason, it hurts so much.

“Go on then, see if you like it.” Myungsoo rubs his hands nervously, like he always does before his exhibition opens. He's very good in what he does and yet he’s thoroughly anxious before the opening of his exhibitions like he's afraid that people won't like it.

Sungjong doesn't wait – he doesn’t have long anyway before Yonghwa starts calling. Entering the main hall through a small door from the back, he waits for a moment to get use to the bright lights after the dimly lit back room.

Once he gets used to it, he turns to the first photo he sees hanging and recoils. It's not what he expected. He moves onto the next. And once again it's not what he expected. He looks through a few more, then rounds on Myungsoo, utterly confused.

“Do you like it?” his best friend asks biting his lips. There is a strange glow in his eyes that Sungjong has never seen.

“I don't understand...these are all...”

“My masterpiece.” Myungsoo sighs deeply, looking around him. It’s the first time he’s called any of his work a masterpiece. It’s weird, coming from the humble and shy Kim Myungsoo. “Do you know what I named this exhibition?”

He takes Sungjong by the hand and drags him towards the front of the hall. Glimpses of the framed pictures hanging on the walls pass by; rendering him speechless. Finally they stop in front of the large board on the wall which usually carries the name of the exhibition. There are only 3 words.

I love you

Sungjong exhales, slowly.

Finally, finally, there they are, stark and cold like the naked truth - Myungso loves him.

All the pictures around the hall are his – they are all Sungjong in various poses, some candid, some taken without his knowledge...but they are all Sungjong’s.

“What-what’s going on here?” he finally manages to squeeze out of his throat.

He’s known it all along, but he didn’t expect it to be revealed like this. Roses maybe, ring even, but this – this is beyond his imagination.

“I just wanted you to know that you're my everything. I can't believe I just waited and watched while Yonghwa came into your life and swept you off your feet...but I’ve always known you don’t love him.”

Despite his knowledge, it catches him by surprise and he’s at a loss.

The confession still hit him like a rock to his gut and send his heart plummeting....why is he so affected by something like this? Besides, how can Myungsoo just boldly declare that Sungjong doesn’t love Yonghwa? Has he been secretly laughing at him all this time, pitying him, for being stuck in a loveless relationship? Or did he think he’s a fool?  
“You know...” The words get caught in his throat and he doesn't know how to say it.

“I don't know what to say,” he finally admits, having given up all hopes of reasoning. Myungsoo is not right - he loves Yonghwa, but this feeling inside him suggests otherwise. He doesn't want to fight with himself anymore. Everything would be over if he gives into Myungsoo right here, right now.

But...Yonghwa will be waiting for him. He'll be worried. And he'll love him when he returns.

Just because he never said it doesn’t mean Myungsoo doesn’t love him. Just because Myungsoo’s confession makes him feel peculiar inside doesn’t mean Sungjong doesn’t love Yonghwa. Just because he’s been with Yonghwa for so long doesn’t mean he loves him.

“I can't stay.”

Myungsoo stares at him for a while, shocked and confused, and then, with a pleading look in his eyes, he whispers, “Stay. Please, stay.”

 

By the time Sungjong stumbles back into his apartment, crying and dishevelled, his phone has buzzed several times. He almost misses the rose petals littering the floor, the scented candles lit all around the room. He jumps into Yonghwa’s arms and stays there, crying. He doesn't reply to any of Yonghwa 's concerned questions, only shakes his head against his chest. Yonghwa immediately starts dialling on his phone, no doubt calling Myungsoo.

“What happened? Why is Sungjong upset?”

He doesn’t want to hear this conversation so he runs over to the bed, collapsing over the sheets and more rose petals. Ending the call, Yonghwa sits down on the bed beside him, gathering him up in his arms and resting his head on his lap.

“Sungjong, whatever it is, it's not your fault,” he says softly, brushing the hairs out of his eyes and wiping the tears.

“Will you say that even if I had an affair?” he challenges in a broken voice, unable to keep the desperation out of his voice.

Yonghwa’s hand pauses in his hair for a moment and he looks stricken.

“It's not your fault,” he finally states calmly.

Sungjong’s confused as to how he can stay so calm after what he heard? How can someone who gets jealous so easily not show any adverse reaction to that? What exactly did Myungsoo tell him?

“I'm sorry,” he finally says, more ashamed that he should actually feel. “I'll leave, if you want me to.”

Yonghwa takes a moment to answer. It can’t be easy on him – Sungjong feels so guilty.

When he speaks, it looks like he's in pysical pain. “I want you to stay by my side forever. But leave if you think that makes you happy.”

“You make me happy,” Sungjong replies automatically. He doesn’t know where that came from. It slips out of his mouth like it’s the truth, like it has always been the truth. His heart doesn’t stutter, blood doesn’t rush to his face – it’s a fact and he’s known it all along. “You-you’re the only thing that makes me happy.”

For one tiny second, he sees relief wash over Yonghwa’s eyes, he sees joy, he sees a prayer, and he sees what he wants to see the most – love. It’s love, how could he not tell before? He feels stupid.

“I'm not going to tell you to stop seeing Myungsoo or stop being friends with him. Because if you really love me, if you love just me, it wouldn't matter…” His lips tremble and his words come to a halt. Swallowing, he looks at Sungjong with glistening eyes, half fearful, half pleading. You can tell from the way he watches his lips, he’s waiting for a reassurance, he’s praying for a sentence, just one.

And Sungjong has no problem promising what he can keep, what he will keep. Because Myungsoo might be his almost, but Yonghwa is his all.

“I love you, I love only you.”


End file.
